I hate resumes.  I've had the pleasure (and I use the term loosely) of looking through quite a few of them during my time at SOE.  Resumes are nothing more than marketing pieces.  They're mostly fully of crap and don't really tell you anything all that useful.  The only purpose of the resume is to see if someone wants to give you an interview, based roughly on the overinflated accounts of your past exploits.  Even once you meet someone during an interview, you rarely meet the actual person interviewing.  Rather, you meet that person's "representative".  The whole thing is mostly a craps-shoot and is a lot more about personalities than it is about skill. 

At any rate... I came across a neat idea for a resume and decided to give it a whirrl.  I would most definitely interview the person with this resume!  It's super awesome.

The Resume Of Moi

In honor of Mr. Hughley, this will be the first entry of a little feature I’ll call “We have got to do better, people!”.

Working in video games, it’s often entertaining to see people dress up like video game characters.  Well, not often actually. 

But, sometimes the universe lines up just right and it works out.

Most times, however… it doesn't.  If you can’t be a good example, I guess you just have to settle for being a terrible warning to others.

You’re doing it wrong.  Ultra. 

Enjoy today’s feature: Cosplay Train Wrecks. 

Please people, we have GOT to do better!

I’m buying an Asus eee PC netbook.  This will be the proverbial methadone to help me detox from my IPhone addiction – it’s just as useful but slightly less convenient to have in the palm of my hand at all times. 

It will be here tomorrow.  Instant gratification.  Push the bar and a pellet comes out.  I Love the internet, even if it is a disgusting place at times!

The particular model I’m getting is the 1005.  Quick stats of the 1005:

• 10 inch glossy screen, 1024 X 600
• XP OS
• 2GB ram
• 1.66 ghz Intel Atom
• 160 gig hard drive
• Wireless b/g/n & Bluetooth
• 1.3 MP web cam
• Weight is around TWO pounds
• Battery life is rated at 10.5 hours (yes, ten and a half hours)

Cost: less than $400 !!

Check it out at Amazon.

I’m actually doing it!  My IPhone just went up for sale on EBay.  I have to admit, I feel a little bit like the guy who’s been a heavy smoker for many years and then went to throw away all the cigarettes in his house.  I think they call that “anxiety”. 

In the months that I’ve owned my IPhone I’ve developed what can best be described as a tick of sorts.  Whenever I’m mechanically idle (i.e. my hands aren’t occupied with something), I instinctively reach for my IPhone.  Most of the times that I handle that demonic brick, I don’t even have a purpose. 

Usually, I’m just responding to an obsessive compulsion to review my inbox – but that only takes about 5 seconds… not nearly enough to satiate my need to interact with the beast.  So, sometimes I just leisurely stroke the icons around from screen to screen… watching them bounce around happily like billowing clouds of manufactured happiness, responding to my every command with gleeful and lemming-like obedience.   Sometimes I don’t even bother re-arranging icons, I just flick the desktops around.  Meh.

I’m not proud of myself when I say that recently I’ve even found myself half-heartedly interacting with service personnel (cashiers, servers, waiters, etc) whilst not even bothering to look at them half of the time because I’m too busy commanding the lemming box in my hand.

I already have a problem with following many of the arbitrary social protocols that we have around these parts.  I don’t need a tiny stripper in a little pocket sized black box enticing me away from physical reality at the slightest sign of mundane boredom creeping into my head.  I’m too weak.  I can’t resist.  I just can’t.  The mojo is too strong.

But it’s not just me.  During any given meeting, or lunch, or break, or really any group activity - you can look around the table and see content, rosy cheeked faces being warmly illuminated by the soft, sky blue glow of the pocket siren.  If you can ever pry yourself away from your own pocket siren during any such gatherings, make a conscious effort to observe the PDA habits of the group en masse. It’s kind of freaky to watch, actually.

None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. - Goethe

Get thee behind me,  super sexy smart-phone of the pit!  By the power of E-Bay, I’m exorcising you from my life!

This is for the better!  This is for the better!  This is for the better! (I almost believe it…)

So, Apple/ATT peed in my cheerios with their upgrade policy/prices for existing customers in regards to the IPhone 3G to 3GS price difference.  Maybe it’s unreasonable of me to expect to pay the subsidized hardware rates as long as I’m getting raped for wireless service – but I don’t care.  It’s my party and I’ll be unreasonable if I want to.  But that’s not what I’m writing about…

In a nutshell, it came down to ATT “offering” me the new IPhone that I wanted for $699.  Less than a year ago I bought a 15 inch Dell XPS M1530 for around $800 (only buy Dell refurbs, as you mostly seem to get buyer’s remorse returns) and today ATT is offering me a PHONE (not a laptop) for $700. 

Outrageous!

So, with  my IPhone honey moon over and this absurd upgrade proposition before me, I began to examine my IPhone usage. 

For better or for worse, I have a few thousand dollars “invested” in Apple media.  I buy TV shows, movies, apps for the Ipod/Iphones and of course we buy tons of music.  Between Michele and I, we have a significant ITunes bill every month.  To compound the problem, we also have an AppleTV.  It’s just too damn convenient to get the media I want through ITunes.  I’ll bend over for the ridiculous DRM schemes.  I don’t care.

That being said, I can still consume all of that media via AppleTV and my IPod should I no longer have access to the IPhone.  So, what else do I use my phone for aside from consuming Apple media?

• Browsing the web.  I do this lots.  Mostly when I’m waiting for stuff.  Unfortunately, I hate Safari.  It’s slow and of course it doesn’t run Flash.  It’s leaps and bounds better than the craptastic browser that I had on my Blackberry 8803, but the IPhone 3G just isn’t beefy enough for speedy browsing, even on WiFi.
• Listening to music and watching movies.  This works fairly well, but not any better than on my IPod or via ITunes on a PC.
• AIM.   Works pretty good.  Now, with version 3.0 of the OS, the push notifications make the IPhone AIM client actually usable.
• Random apps.  Neat toys mostly, but once again the apps don’t run any more magically on my IPhone than they do on my IPod.
• GPS.  Holy crap, it’s horrific.  It’s slow, there are no turn by turn directions (yet), no voice prompts...the list of pain goes on an don.  Basically it shows you were you are on the map and highlights your route.  Hope you’re not needing to drive while using that death trap excuse of a GPS app. 
• Take pictures here and there of random nonsense.
• Calling people on the phone and sending the occasional text message.

So let’s see… to accomplish all the things that the IPhone does I would need:

1. A PC.  An ultra portable netbook would serve well for this task.
2. A wireless provider WiFi card/dongle so that I could have anywhere internet access on the netbook.
3. A GPS receiver.  The Netbook could display and store the maps via whatever GPS mapping software I chose to use.
4. A digital camera of the point and shoot variety.  Possibly one that use a memory card that the card reader in the netbook accepts.
5. Optionally, an IPod.  Alternatively, I could just run ITunes on the netbook.
6. A phone.  Something small and simple.

There are few advantages of having multiple devices instead of one swiss army knife doing it all:

• No single point of failure.  Keep in mind that “failure” doesn’t have to be a mechanical defect.  If the battery on my phone dies, it can’t perform ANY of its functions.
• Multiple dedicated devices will almost always be better at their job than an all-in-one device.

Of course there are several disadvantages to carrying multiple tools, not the least of which is having to carry them around.

However… 

I’m annoyed enough with the IPhone 3G performance and the Apple/ATT shenanigans that I would rather schlep around a netbook, GPS receiver, camera, IPod and a phone in a man purse than slip a sleek and sexy IPhone into my pocket ever again.

IPhone, you’re the devil’s spawn and I will get away from you and your demonic pimps at ATT and Apple.